Ask Amy: Daughter-in-law heard mother-in-law's criticisms - The Washington Post
Dear Amy: In 2019, after a five-year-long process to make up his mind, my son married a young woman who is the only child of an Indian couple whose own marriage was arranged.
This past Christmas, she mostly kept to herself, doing things on her computer, playing with her dog or just staying in the guest bedroom while my son hung out with us.
We are a very warm family. Our son and daughter participate, while my daughter-in-law doesn’t help in the kitchen at all, avoids hugs, and goes to her bedroom after dinner without a word.
I am trying not to take it too personally because she is like this with most people of our generation, including in her own family.
She doesn't have a very good relationship with her own mother, and they clashed a lot when organizing the wedding.
The day before they were supposed to return home, my cup was full and some steam escaped in the form of harsh words to my son about her, which she overheard.
I also intend to apologize to her after I have been reassured that she will accept my apology. I intend to mention that I do not understand her coldness and hostility toward us.
Upset: You should not wait for assurance that your apology will be accepted before offering one. Nor should you double down and place any blame on the person you’ve offended.
You should call your son and speak with him about this. Ask him to pass the phone to his wife. Your apology should be direct and sincere: “I am so sorry you overheard my harshness at Christmastime. I’ve been searching for ways to be closer to you, and this is definitely not the way to go about it. I’m very embarrassed and feel absolutely terrible about this. I hope you can forgive me.”
My spouse and I have a wonderful relationship, I’m financially secure, and I enjoy going to work every day. While it may not be truly idyllic, it’s pretty close.
He is still searching for that perfect someone. He hates his job, but isn’t able to move, and his current finances are a mess. When he vents, I listen and give advice when asked.
When he asks how I’m doing, my life is pretty positive, and while he says he’s happy for me, based on his nonverbal communication, I get a sense that I’m taking a screwdriver to his gut and am twisting it.
Ask your friend: “How does it feel for you when I share stories about my own good luck when things are going well? I do not want to add to your burdens in any way.”
source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/01/24/ask-amy-connecting-with-daughter-in-law/
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