Dear Prudence: My 40-year-old sister-in-law is foolishly having a child alone. I refuse to babysit. - Slate

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I just learned that my single sister-in-law is pregnant after having fertility treatments due to her being over 40. She did not mention any of this to her family until she was already pregnant. In my opinion, this is a terrible idea for a number of reasons, including her very limited social support system (she only has one friend who may be able to provide some assistance), and her very uptight attitude with other kids (like yelling at them for being too loud or running around in normal little kid ways). Her only reasons seem to be that her other siblings have kids too and their mom recently died, so she feels it is her duty to have a kid.

I am very worried that this will have negative consequences on my immediate family. We live closest to her, and she sees my husband (her brother) as her personal handyman. Despite that, she has only babysat our kids once and refused to watch them on at least three occasions when we were in a pinch because she was “busy studying” (she was in a graduate program at the time, but a three-hour study break on the weekend is not going to make a big difference). I know not to even ask her anymore. She is a very “woe is me” kind of person, and I can just imagine that we are going to get all kinds of calls to help her and listen to her sob stories about how hard it is to be a single mom.

I know it sounds heartless, but I need help setting boundaries in a firm but kind way. I am currently a stay-at-home mom while my husband frequently travels for work, so I want to make it very clear that I am not available to be her babysitter.

— She Made her Bed

Dear She Made her Bed,

The way you make it clear that you’re not available to be her babysitter is this: The first time she asks you to babysit, you say “Sorry, I’m not available!” And then you repeat as necessary. And of course, make sure your husband backs you up. It feels to me like because you disapprove of her life choices and resent the way she’s treated you, you might be fantasizing about using this boundary-setting conversation to tell her about all that. Resist the urge.

Dear Prudence,

I recently visited a friend’s house to see her and to spend the night. While I was warned that she’s ADHD and therefore “messy,” I was shocked to learn that our definitions of messy are quite different. For me, that means clutter on surfaces and disorganization, mostly. For her, well … every surface was covered in this house. No space in the kitchen, living room, coffee table, or even the bathroom sink. All filled with empty cans or other trash. Dirty laundry basket in the hallway. I saw a baby cockroach crawling around at one point! Plus, pet poop on the floor. Listen, I know people live differently and all that. My question is: If I visit her, it’s too far away to not spend the night. So how do I explain that I don’t want to? Is there a polite way to say “your house is gross, no offense?” Or should I just lie and say that the drive down is too much/I’m busy/etc.? Hotels are not an option currently.

— Can’t Stand (or Sleep On) It

Dear Can’t Stand,

This is a situation in which either honesty paired with a “it’s not you, it’s me” statement or a white lie could be appropriate, but it all depends on your personality, your friend’s personality, and the relationship you have.

See if one of these options feels like a good fit:

Honesty + “It’s not you, it’s me”: “I totally understand how ADHD makes it difficult to keep house, and I’ve since realized I have some issues of my own—I really can’t relax unless I’m in an organized space, so I sleep better at home. Can you come to my place or can we meet up in the middle?”

White lie: “I’ve just been so tired, and the long drive really wore me out last time. Do you feel like coming to my place? Or could we meet in the middle or do a Zoom?”

Dear Prudence,

I have a consistent problem that has always followed me between friend groups for my entire life. I always get stuck as the designated planner. It’s fun at first, hunting for fun things to do that my friends would enjoy. But then I grow to resent the extra effort. I wonder why it never occurs to anyone else to try to include me in something simple like a movie night.

I recently moved to a new area of town and want to befriend some new people. How do I start off on a better foot?

— Planner Seeking Planner

Dear Planner Seeking Planner,

I’ve come to think about it this way: Different friends have different personalities and bring different things to the table (and sometimes these things shift at different points in life, as people have different amounts of bandwidth and emotional energy). So, maybe one person tends to be the planner, but someone else has a personality that keeps the fun going and makes everyone feel included once the event happens. Maybe one person is great about celebrating birthdays and another is better at listening when someone’s going through a hard time. Maybe someone is great about showing up when you need help moving, and someone else calls regularly to check in. I think with all the different things adults juggle, it’s not a great use of energy to keep tabs on who’s doing the most in every category, or to scrutinize who does what, and how many times. I’d suggest zooming out to look at the big picture and ask whether your friendships add happiness to your life, and whether you feel cared for and enjoy the time you spend together—regardless of who suggested it.

All that said, if you’re simply sick of making reservations and looking up movie times and really don’t want the planner role after your move, this is a perfect time to redefine who you are among your new friends. And the way to do that is simply not to plan things. Tell the new people you meet “I’d love to hang out sometime!” or “I’m new here and if there’s anything social going on that you’d be willing to include me in, I’d love it!” and then sit back and wait. You might find that the events don’t get scheduled as soon as you want or as often as you want—but that’s just part of the deal. Giving up being the planner means going with the flow and doing things when other people want to rather than when you want to.

Dear Prudence,

I recently got engaged and want a fairly non-traditional wedding. One of the biggest things I didn’t want to do was spend a ton of money on a dress I will wear once in my lifetime. A part of me was dreading having to spend hundreds of dollars on a gown. I said this to my mom and added that I was thinking I would just go to a thrift store and find a nice white dress. My mother was shocked. She freaked out that she wouldn’t be able to go with me, her only daughter, to try on dresses. She was almost in tears. Well, I finally found the most amazing dress at a thrift store. It was new with the tags and fit what I wanted perfectly. Bonus points, it’s really, really comfortable, and I can wear a normal bra.

My concern now is what to do about my mom. Now that I’ve actually found a dress I like, I’m kind of into the idea of going to try on wedding dresses. I don’t want a big fancy dress, but it really is a once in a lifetime experience to try on some amazingly gorgeous dresses. My issue is what to tell my mother. Do I tell her that I already got the dress and I just want to try on the others just in case? Do I not say anything and then just tell her I found something after not liking the dresses I tried on? It’s really not like my mom to get so upset, she’s usually pretty even tempered.

— Playing Dress-Up

Dear Playing Dress-Up,

If you want to try on dresses, and your mom wants to watch you try on dresses, go try on dresses! Drink champagne. Have lunch after. Take pictures. Make it a whole thing. You can tell her “I have a dress that I really like and that I bought because it was affordable, but I thought it would be fun to have this experience with you to see what else is out there, and who knows what we’ll find.”

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. About 2 years ago, he moved to California to pursue his dreams of becoming a filmmaker. The goal has always been for me to eventually join him out there, however, I recently started getting cold feet …

source: https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/03/dear-prudence-foolish-child-alone.html

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