Dear Prudie: Mother-in-law back with man who left her to die. - Slate Magazine
This is likely to end very badly.
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Dear Prudence,
My mother-in-law lived with us briefly a few months back. She was living with us because she had gotten back on drugs after five years of sobriety and almost died from stomach ulcers. We gave her a place to stay because she swore it was a one-time mistake caused by the man she was seeing at the time. She told all of us she was done with this man, who was letting her bleed to death on the bathroom floor.
A couple weeks ago, she received a large insurance settlement for a car accident. She left our house then and told us she was just going to pay off some debt and settle things with her dad before coming back to stay, but then she never came back. A few weeks passed, and we got a text message saying she was in town and wanted us to meet her new boyfriend. It turns out she was at a local casino and the new boyfriend is actually the same man who supposedly got her back on drugs and actually did leave her to die alone. It now seems clear she is also committing insurance fraud by gambling the money away instead of paying back the insurance and will likely go back to prison at some point if she is caught.
My question is, how do we explain what is happening to our young children? They are 4 and 6 and have been wondering what happened to Grandma. They ask regularly why she doesn’t stay with us anymore and why she never comes around. We don’t want her or this man back in our lives. My mother-in-law does not respect anyone’s boundaries, so she may well show up on our porch with this guy. She could easily show up anywhere they are this summer, and I need them to understand that they should not go with her at all. How can we get them to understand?
I think it’s time to find an age-appropriate way of describing addiction to the kids—something along the lines of “Grandma loves you, but she has a problem called addiction, which means sometimes she’s not well, and which means we can’t see her as often as we might like.” That feels a bit clumsy and stilted—you might want to consult your pediatrician for more information about how to discuss addiction with kids under 10. —Danny M. Lavery
From: “Help! How Do I Tell My Kids About Grandma’s Drug Problem?” (May 28, 2019)
Dear Prudence,
I have been married to my husband for four years and have a wonderful, happy 7-year-old stepson. My issue stems from how his mother handles holidays and birthdays, and how my husband feels forced to compete. She and her family buy him numerous extravagant gifts starting the month before his birthday, and she tells us all the gifts he is getting and how much they cost. We live on limited means, and we buy one large present for his birthday. But even after my husband and I agree on one gift, he will go to the store and sneak another gift in. We have very young children together, and I don’t want to be giving something to one that we can’t provide for all. My stepson is not spoiled, but he is beginning to expect this kind of treatment. I know this will cause confusion with my other children when they are old enough to understand, and I’m not sure what to do.
What you do is have the kind of celebration and give the gift you think is appropriate without regard to what your husband’s ex is doing. That also means you don’t respond to her patronizing and gloating. You just smile and say, “Samantha, I’m sure little Joshua is going to love his Nerf Vortex Nitron Blaster and his WWE Colossal Crashdown Arena.” Then you talk to your husband and say you understand he may feel guilty that he can’t shower his kids with the same extravagance as his ex. But living within your means and being grateful for what you have is an important lesson you and your husband should be teaching your kids. It’s also one that will benefit them more than having a birthday celebration to rival that of Kim Jong-un. If Joshua says something about not getting the same birthday gala at your house as at his mother’s, tell him that every family celebrates their own way. Don’t worry about your children eventually noticing the disparity—they will come to understand that Joshua has a different mother, and all that entails. The confidence you convey in your own choices as a mother will benefit your entire family. —Emily Yoffe
Dear Prudence,
I am a happily married middle-aged woman with a variety of aches and pains from years of running. I treat my injuries when indicated with visits to a physical therapist and chiropractor. I also find it very helpful to get occasional massages from a qualified massage therapist. My issue is that no matter who the massage therapist is—male, female, old, young—I sometimes find myself suddenly climaxing while on the massage table. This is not a sexual massage, and there has been no contact with my genitals. I could be having my back or shoulders worked on, and I spontaneously orgasm. I don’t want to! I try to suppress it, but it’s like suppressing a sneeze. I am always under a sheet, so I pray that the therapist doesn’t know what is happening. Is it grossly unfair to these people that I might have an orgasm? Part of me feels that it is abusive, but I don’t know how to prevent it other than never again having a massage.
I’m so sorry. Experiencing a bewildering, unwanted orgasm in the middle of what amounts to physical therapy must be such an unsettling experience, but please don’t blame yourself for “sexualizing” a massage when said orgasms are so clearly the result of an involuntary, reflexive response. You know that you’re not attracted to these service providers, that you’re not trying to introduce a sexual tone or atmosphere to the proceedings, that there’s very little advance warning before you orgasm, and that you’re certainly not attempting to bring them on. It’s not your intention to wrest surprise sexual contact out of these massage therapists, and you’re not doing anything wrong. Please don’t deny yourself the treatment that helps you deal with lingering pain from old injuries just because of an occasional reflex you can’t control. The next time you experience one, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “That was a morally neutral physical response. I’m not responsible for it, and there’s no reason to blame myself for it.” If you notice some guilt comes up for you regardless, do your best to observe it neutrally and wait for it to fade: “I’m feeling guilty right now, which often happens afterward; it’s part of the process.” —D.L.
Dear Prudence,
Last night, I was browsing through different pregnancy Web sites, as I just found out I am pregnant with our first baby. I stumbled upon a message board and found my now-sister-in-law had been on this board about a year ago asking for advice on conceiving. A year ago, they were only dating and marriage was not even in the picture. She was actively trying to get pregnant without my brother-in-law’s knowledge! (It’s my husband’s brother.) She has been pregnant twice this year but lost them both. I don’t know what to do. Do I confront her with what I found? Do I tell my B-I-L? I’m not trying to break up their marriage, but this is disgusting! She tried to baby-trap him! I know he had no knowledge of this because of numerous conversations he and I have had on the subject. I’m at a loss for what to do.
Your conclusion that your now sister-in-law tried to “baby-trap” your brother-in-law into marriage is none of your business. As you point out, they did get married, and she hasn’t had a baby. It’s probably been a terrible toll on both of them that she’s had two miscarriages in such a short time. I’m trying to imagine how you present your revelations without sounding like the nosiest, most destructive sister-in-law possible. Actually I can’t come with up a scenario that doesn’t mark you permanently as a noxious she-devil. Just concentrate on your own good fortune and your future family. And let me caution you against spending the next nine months strutting around and crowing about your ease at conceiving every time you see your sister-in-law. —Emily Yoffe
My wife is nine months pregnant and we are planning a home birth. Our team of two midwives came to our house to do a home visit last week, and shamed us for about 30 minutes when we let them know we would be vaccinating our baby.
source: https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/01/dear-prudie-mother-in-law-back-with-man-who-left-her-to-die.html
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