It's not your fault your mother-in-law hates you, study says - New York Post

The meddling and protective “monster-in-law” is an age-old stereotype, but instead of blaming your spouse next time you leave a dreaded family dinner, you might be able to blame evolution.

A recent study published in the Evolutionary Psychological Science Journal found that both men and women report having more conflict with their mothers-in-law (44%) than with their own mothers (39%).

The majority of conflicts between spouses and their mother-in-laws revolved around financial resources and childcare.

This should come as no surprise as finances and children are common among the top stress factors in many relationships, according to marriage.com.

These issues are central to a successful marriage as they are both “central to long-term reproductive success as resources and the time and effort spent on kin care are finite,” the study notes.

The researchers suggested that these conflicts may be “influenced by genetic conflict” as each person “unconsciously act in the interest of their genetic kin” over what instead of each individual’s best interests.

“This genetic conflict may cause affines (in-laws) to disagree about the distribution of resources and investment, just as we see mothers and fathers disagreeing in these domains,” the authors wrote. “Our results are consistent with the hypothesis that genetic conflict may underlie negative social interactions that occur in affinal (in-law) relationships.”

The researchers also noted that animosity between in-laws is also likely due to the fact that they “do not choose to have relationships with one another” but are forced into familial bonds as “unintended consequences” of their children’s romantic relationships.

While both men and women reported conflicts with their mothers-in-law, mothers reported slightly less conflict with their daughters (17%) than their son’s spouses (18%). This aligns with “prevailing folk knowledge” and much of popular culture which often “suggests that the mother and daughter-in-law relationship may be especially fraught with conflict.”

Dr. Terri Apter, a psychologist from Cambridge University, focused on the fraught relationships between wives and mothers-in-law in her book, “What Do You Want From Me?”

“The conflict often arises from an assumption that each is criticizing or undermining the other woman. But this mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and far more to do with persistent female stereotypes that few of us manage to shake off complete,” she wrote.

“Both the mother and the wife are struggling to achieve the same position in the family – primary woman. Each tries to establish or protect their status. Each feels threatened by the other.”

Fathers, on the other hand, were seen to have the opposite reaction and were found to get on better with their daughters-in-law than with their own daughters.

Researchers noted that this may be due to the father’s protective instincts which are heightened when the daughter enters a new romantic relationship but could lessen over time as the father warms up to his son-in-law.

So next time your mother-in-law starts nagging you about your new car cost or how much screen time the kids are getting, just remember, it’s not you. It’s genetics.

source: https://nypost.com/2022/04/18/its-not-your-fault-your-mother-in-law-hates-you-study-says/

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