Mother-in-law didn't use car seat: parenting advice from Care and Feeding. - Slate Magazine
I no longer trust her judgment, or really anyone else’s.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need some advice on how to move forward with my mother-in-law. Overall, I hit the mother-in-law jackpot. I’m an American living in Israel who married an Israeli, and my mother-in-law is my Israeli mother. She is full of energy, caring, loving, and simply enjoyable to be around. My three children (6-year-old twins and a 2.5-year-old boy) are a major source of joy in her life, and she helps take care of them almost weekly despite living two hours away. I’ve never worried about them being in her care—until now.
This past weekend, my husband surprised me with a couple’s weekend away and arranged for his mother to be the main caretaker of the kids. We left my 2.5-year-old son’s car seat (and informed her we were leaving it). At the end of the weekend, I discovered during a conversation while picking up the kids that she NEVER used the car seat. Instead, she drove around on high-speed highways with my 2.5-year-old buckled on her lap in the backseat! I reacted fairly harshly, saying that I wasn’t sure if I could trust her again and that it was a red line. She was defensive, saying it was just an innocent mistake, and she had “four eyes” on the kids at all time (a Hebrew expression meaning she was always watching them like a hawk).
We talked today, and I told her I love her and appreciate all she did/does, but it was a huge safety problem that she drove around with my son on her lap. She said she now knows how important this issue of car seats for me is and will respect it in the future but that I’m extreme in my reaction of saying I can’t trust her now. I ended the conversation crying hysterically. On one hand, she said she was sorry and now understands how important the issue is for me. But on the other hand, I can’t shake my mama bear reaction that NO ONE else is driving or taking care of my kids for a long while. I just don’t trust my mother-in-law’s judgment (or really anyone else’s), and my own judgement is shaken that I didn’t check that everything was safe for my kids. I just assumed, and I was wrong. Any advice on how to move forward? My kids love their grandmother, and I want to nurture this relationship, but I’m shaken.
—Trust Shaken
Dear Trust Shaken,
Yeah, if I ever found out that a caretaker of my daughters was driving around with my children like Britney Spears circa 2006, there would be major problems in our relationship. I judge caretaker mistakes with children based on how they used (or didn’t use) their common sense.
Let’s say my babysitter let my 8-year-old daughter play alone in the backyard, only to find out that she broke her wrist on a fall. Would I be upset with the caretaker? Sure I would be—but common sense usually dictates (at least with my kids) that an 8-year-old can play safely alone in my backyard. In other words, she wouldn’t lose her job over it. However, if I told a caretaker that my daughters are deathly allergic to peanut butter, and then she proceeded to make peanut butter cookies with them that afternoon, it would be a dealbreaker because she’s demonstrating zero common sense—and most importantly, it could’ve gotten them killed.
What happened with your mother-in-law falls into the latter category because she knew a car seat was necessary for your son, she knew where said car seat was, and still decided to place your precious son in her lap instead. If another car rear-ended her, it could’ve been catastrophic for your son—and I’m completely flabbergasted that a mom wouldn’t know that.
So, with that in mind, I think you were right to be excessively angry. I would’ve been in the moment as well. But since a catastrophe was averted, I think it would be wise to apologize to her, especially if you plan on having a good relationship going forward. I’m sure she feels awful about it, and I highly doubt she would do something that unwise again.
Don’t get it twisted—just because she may have learned her lesson doesn’t mean you should feel comfortable placing your son in her care (or anyone else’s for that matter) for the foreseeable future. I wouldn’t fault you one bit if you didn’t leave your son alone with her ever again. Even with that being the case, you can still ensure you and your son have a great relationship with her going forward because there are a million bonding activities all of you can take part in together.
However, unless you want to bring your kids with you on date nights forever, you will need to trust a caretaker again, even if it’s not your mother-in-law. In doing so, you can make ground rules such as no driving unless absolutely necessary, or ensure they have a car seat installed at all times. Yes, I understand your fear is real, but I promise you that the overwhelming majority of caretakers would never do what your mother-in-law did that day.
—Doyin
My husband forces me to give him hugs. I know this sounds like a really stupid problem to have. He has created a “hug toll,” and he won’t let me leave the room until I give him a hug.
source: https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/02/mother-in-law-car-seat-parenting-advice.html
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