Woman Wonders If She’s Wrong For Not Helping Elderly Mother-In-Law When She Fell Over To Prove A Point - YourTango
A 33-year-old woman and her husband had been fighting about how to help his mother who is in dire need of professional care as she had fallen very ill.
Not being qualified to lend that kind of assistance, the woman suggested several suitable options for the woman to be cared for — including a nursing home or hiring a caregiver — all of which the husband refused to do.
Now, his wife is refusing to care for her mother-in-law.
After being told how disappointed her husband was with her, and being called "cruel" and "unhinged," she went to Reddit, where some people go in order to get people on their side after they do something totally valid, but instead got hit with a wave of rightful criticism.
The subreddit, “r/AmItheA--hole,” sees hundreds of posts a day from people who are curious about their predicament while the internet philosophers offer their advice and a rating on whether or not they are the “a--hole.”
My f33 mother in law fell extremely sick and has been bedridden for 3 months now. Her husband is deceased and her daughter and 2 sons (who didn't even bother to visit) live towns away, so my husband is left to fully take over her care. He wanted to bring her to live with us but I said no and had my reasons for that, one of them is that our home isn't fit for disabled patients and I already explained this to him but he chose to pick an argument and say I don't want him to help his mom but that is not true.
I suggested he pays for a carer and said no when he asked that I contribute money with him and the reason is that his mom has assets he could sell to pay for a carer. I suggested a home care but he got very offended and said I was nuts to suggest such thing. After shut down all my suggestions, I made it clear I will not be taking any part in his mom's care or be dragged unwillingly in her care. He said okay then moved in with her now and I bring him meals ocassionally just doing what I can.
The other day, I was in the kitchen reheating his dinner when I heard him shouting for me to come help lift his mom off the floor after she fell off the bed. I went to see what's going on but refused to get involved. He asked what the f I was doing standing by the door and staring. I reminded him that I will mot be helping out after he shut down other means of help and he started lashing out at me saying he had no time for my pettiness and insisted I help him left his mom but I just turned and walked out leaving him yelling for my help.
I stayed in the kitchen for a few minutes then he barged in calling me "cruel" and "unhinged" for seeing him and his struggle and refusing to help just to prove a point. I told him he shouldn't act surprised and he replied that he couldn't help but feel surprised that I was this unhinged and petty. I said I'm not petty I'm just setting boundaries and sticking to them and I did not volunteer to be a carer. I'm not qualified and neither is he but he argued that being symapathatic and helping his family doesn't require any form of qualification. he lectured me about how appalling my behavior was, how I could've help just a little, then said that his mom will never forget me just standing there and refusing to help. The guilt tripping got me overwhelmed so I grabbed my stuff and went home.
My mom knew and berated me for what I've done. she said I should be proud of my husband for being a stand up guy who helps his family instead of guilting him and making him feel like he's making a mistake for choosing to support his family. He called me later and cried saying I hurt him with my behavior and he never expected me to act this way towards him and his loved ones. I felt awful because I'm a sympathetic person and this wasn't my attention, I was just trying to make him understand he doesn't have to carry a weight he can not bear nor drag me along with it. I'm happy he's willing to help his family but I don't want to be used if he's okay with being used.
“After [he] shut down all my suggestions, I made it clear I will not be taking any part in his mom's care or be dragged unwillingly in her care,” she wrote after laying out all of the options for him.
Instead, she would assist however she could by cooking meals for them in the kitchen when he decided to move in with her.
“I was in the kitchen reheating his dinner when I heard him shouting for me to come help lift his mom off the floor after she fell off the bed,” she continued. “I went to see what's going on but refused to get involved.”
Her husband lashed out at her, saying that this was no time to be petty and to try and prove a point to him — however, she didn’t care and left.
This was the turning point in the story and was where everyone stopped being on her side.
While it might seem a little apathetic to refuse to let his mother stay with them at home because they weren’t equipped to take care of her, she had a good point and as one of the two people living in the home, had a right to refuse her living with them.
What’s wrong, however, is refusing to help an elderly woman who fell off the bed and is likely in pain.
“YTA,” wrote the top comment, meaning “You’re the a--hole.”
“You were fine up until refusing to help when a frail, dependent, elderly woman fell and it became more important to prove your point,” they wrote. “You not only were petty but cruel. Whatever point you were trying to make was vaporized after that stunt.”
The woman said that she got overwhelmed by the “guilt tripping” and so she went home, where she was equally chided by her mother for being so cruel.
“She said I should be proud of my husband for being a stand up guy who helps his family instead of guilting him and making him feel like he's making a mistake for choosing to support his family,” wrote the woman.
At one point, she writes that she considers herself a sympathetic person, but people mocked her for claiming that when she pulled a stunt like that.
“YTA, Not for having boundaries and trying to enforce them but don’t come here telling us that you’re a sympathetic person,” wrote one of the comments.
“I wouldn’t even treat a stranger the way you did to your husband and your MIL. If you see someone fall, you stop and help them, that’s what a sympathetic person would do, even when it’s a stranger, you see your family fall down laying on the floor and you choose to walk away.”
Hopefully, the responses help this woman see the error of her ways so that she can right her wrongdoings and apologize to her husband and to her mother-in-law.
Isaac Serna-Diez is a writer who focuses on entertainment and news, social justice, and politics. Follow him on Twitter here.
source: https://www.yourtango.com/entertainment/woman-refuses-help-elderly-mother-law-who-fell-over
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